New Version Of WebMD Advises Patients To Suck It Up And Stop Acting Like A Little Bitch
March 4th - WebMD, the popular internet search engine for people who can’t afford health insurance and are curious to find out what type of cancer they have, has released a new version of its website that provides users with honest and direct feedback.
WebD, or “WebMD without the medicine,” is rapidly gaining traction among patients who are tired of feeling like they can’t get a straightforward answer out of WebMD.
“I’ve been experiencing some lower back pain recently, but I didn’t want to waste my entire day off at the doctor’s office,” said Jamie, a 34-year-old landscaper from Minnesota. “WebMD tried to convince me that my back pain was most likely being caused by an aggressive brain tumor. Luckily, a friend told me about WebD, and after a quick review of my symptoms, I was told that my lower back pain was fairly standard and I should simply suck it up and stop acting like a little bitch. Thanks, WebD. I feel better already!”
According to a real doctor, WebD is operated using a complex algorithm that calculates exactly how much of a pussy the patient is based on a thorough review of their symptoms, as well as a quick look at their profile picture.
“We know how valuable time is to our users,” said James Clark, the creator of WebMD. “We also understand how it could be frustrating to hear that you probably have AIDS after expressing concern over a minor toothache. That’s why I created WebD, so that patients can quickly receive information about how goddamn soft they are and then go back to living their sad, pathetic lives.”