Studies Show That People Who Get More Than Two Hours Of Sleep Are Less Likely To Act Like A Huge Dick All Morning
March 20th - A new report indicates that people who are able to manage more than two hours of sleep during the night are at least ten times less likely to act like a huge dick throughout the morning hours.
The study, which was conducted by your friends, family, coworkers, and your uber driver, has confirmed that if you went to bed a little bit earlier and shut your goddamn phone off, you might be able to sleep for more than an hour and a half, and would therefore be ten times less likely to act like an asshole to everyone you came across the next morning.
“Amazingly, we found that getting less than two hours of sleep can actually make you quite irritable throughout the day,” said the guy who sits next to you at work. “I almost didn’t believe the results, but it turns out that choosing to stay up until three in the morning because you were flipping through channels and decided to watch the second half of ‘Silence of the Lambs’ can be incredibly detrimental to your attitude the following morning.”
The report also mentioned that saying “I’ll be fine once I’ve had my morning coffee” is a load of bullshit and no one is buying it for a second.