Nation’s Alcoholics Settling Down For Their Mid-Afternoon St. Patrick’s Day Nap
March 17th - As the world celebrates the birth of the very first leprechaun, people all across America who have spent the morning pretending to be Irish and drinking heavily are preparing for their long-awaited mid-afternoon nap.
“I’ve been looking forward to St. Patrick’s Day all year,” said Randy Okafor, a 24-year-old from Detroit with absolutely no Irish heritage who has spent the morning drinking heavily while wearing a ‘Kiss Me, I’m Irish’ t-shirt. “Nothing says ‘America’ quite like taking advantage of every possible opportunity to drink as much as you can while having no idea what you’re celebrating.”
At press time, Randy was exhausted from his morning of binge drinking, and was really looking forward to taking a nap so that he would feel refreshed in time to resume his alcoholic activities later this evening.
“The only thing better than having an excuse to drink lots of beer at 9 in the morning is having an excuse to nap in the middle of the day,” said Okafor. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go pass out in a pool of my own vomit.”