Major League Baseball Considering Arming Umpires With Assault Rifles In Effort To Speed Up Games
March 13th - According to sources, Major League Baseball executives believe that they may have finally solved the pace-of-play issues that have plagued the sport over the last several years with a proposal to arm all home-plate umpires with assault rifles.
The new proposal, which still needs to be approved by the MLB Players' Association and the NRA, would provide each home-plate umpire with their very own assault rifle before each regular season game. If a game goes into extra innings, one field umpire will be provided with a handgun for additional enforcement.
“We’re well aware of the complaints that fans have about how long baseball games take to complete,” said Commissioner Rob Manfred. “We hear you. We’ve tried adding a pitch clock, limiting mound visits, and prohibiting hitters from touching themselves too often in-between pitches. The players don’t seem to care, so the only solution we could come up with was to add assault rifles into the mix.”
Umpires will receive six bullets per game to be used solely as a deterrent against rule breakers and not to actually shoot anybody, although Manfred acknowledged that “accidents happen.”
“Our number one priority is to keep the game experience quick, enjoyable, and safe for the fans,” said the commissioner. “If that means that a couple of umpires accidentally shoot the pitching coach when he takes too long on the mound, then so be it.”