Priest Shunned By Vatican After Report Reveals He Only Molested Boys Older Than 25
Vatican City - A troubling report was released this morning stating that Father Johnson, a lifelong member of the Catholic Church who has served as a priest for a small congregation in Pennsylvania since 1991, has been shunned by the Vatican after revealing that he refused to molest any male parishioners younger than the age of 25.
“This is not how the Catholic Church functions, and we will not tolerate this type of disgusting, perverted behavior from any of our members, let alone a high-ranking official in a position of trust,” said Cardinal Matthews, a high ranking official in a position of trust. “We have dealt with the matter internally, and you can rest assured that Father Johnson will be spending the next several weeks reciting Hail Marys as penance for his egregious sins.”
According to the report, red flags went up among church officials when they realized that Father Johnson had chosen two adult males in their thirties to be permanent altar boys at his parish.
“We are embarrassed by these actions, and will take the necessary steps to rectify the situation,” promised one official. “The altar boys have been relieved of their duties and will be replaced with younger, sexier options as soon as possible.”