Pope Confirms Detroit Doesn’t Actually Exist, Is Merely A Construct Of Our Imaginations

Pope Confirms Detroit Doesn’t Actually Exist, Is Merely A Construct Of Our Imaginations

April 4th - A social media firestorm erupted early Wednesday morning when, in an unprecedented move, Pope Francis declared that the city of Detroit does not, in fact, exist. Sources close to the Vatican say that officials are scrambling to clarify the shocking statements.

“At the end of the day, the fact remains that there is no direct mention of Detroit in the Bible”, says Rev. Angelo LaCosta, spokesperson and communications advisor to the Vatican. “It has merely evolved to become part of the iconology, a symbol to represent the darkest angels of our nature.”

His Holiness’s candid comments have sparked an outcry across the globe, with some taking to Facebook to express their frustration. 

“This is absurd; we spend all this time teaching our children to be good people so that they don’t end up finding themselves in the fiery pits of Detroit, but now what?” writes Linda Bachman, a mother of 4 who started the hashtag #IStillBelieveDetroitExists. “Without having the threat of eternal torment and despair to motivate them, how can I ensure they’ll grow up to be kind-hearted adults?”

The Pope went on to express the importance of not letting this bold declaration sway our moral compasses, explaining that Detroit was simply “an idea...a metaphor for all human suffering and sin,” before beckoning his followers to ask themselves if “any loving and merciful God would inflict His creations to the unrelenting agony of spending eternity in Detroit.”

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