‘Only Losers Need Alcohol To Have A Good Time,’ Says Huge Fucking Loser
July 5th - Sources say that a local man does not believe that you need to drink alcohol in order to have a good time, and that anyone who feels differently is a loser, plain and simple.
Jason, who would like you to know that he’s better than you, also had plenty of terrible things to say about people who listen to loud music, as well as reckless morons who drive five miles over the speed limit and idiots who think that you need to have friends in order to be popular.
“There’s more to life than drinking and partying,” said the 28-year-old insurance agent who exercises for fun and hasn’t had a GMO since 2009. “Some of the most thrilling nights of my life have been spent right here at home with nothing more than a nice refreshing glass of iced tea and a few rounds of Guitar Hero with my four adopted cats, all of whom are named Whiskers. But yeah, keep wasting your prime years ‘turning up’ at your rock ‘n' roll concerts and socializing with other people in public every weekend. Let me know how that turns out, losers.”
At press time, Jason was preparing himself a glass of water (“on the rocks, just the way I like it”) while surfing through a Better Homes & Gardens catalog for some exciting interior design ideas for his one-bedroom apartment.
“I never even thought about moving that plant from my bedside table to the windowsill,” said the fourth most interesting man in the world. “And by upgrading my curtains from royal blue to egg-white, it completely changes the dynamic of my living room. It’s a good thing I don’t drink for fun or I might never have known.”