“Only Five Billion Years To Go,” Says Sun Slowly Rising Above Horizon
April 17th - Sources say that the Sun is starting to become fatigued by the demanding requirements of its job, specifically the part that requires it to rise early every morning.
Despite its lack of energy, the weary Sun shook off the urge to hit the snooze button and proceeded to slowly rise above the horizon, just like it does every single day.
“I know I signed up for this when I accepted the position as Center of the Solar System,” sighed the Sun as it began the process of providing warmth and light to the Earth’s atmosphere. “It does suck to have to get up so damn early every day, and it would be nice to get some appreciation for the hard work that I do once in a while, but life isn’t fair sometimes. Only five billion years to go, though. I can do this.”
The Sun says that it has thought about taking a sick day every now and then, but has decided the ramifications are just too steep to consider the prospect.
“I tried taking a brief vacation once,” said the Sun. “I’ve never seen so much hate mail in my life. I’ve never said this out loud, but the dinosaurs were ungrateful assholes and I’m quite glad that they’re all dead.”