Moving Speck On Your Wall Probably Not A Murderous Spider
April 19th - Despite reports indicating otherwise, there is a surprising amount of data to confirm that the speck on your wall - which appears to be moving - is definitely not a murderous spider.
The speck, which was not there an hour ago and provides a subtle dark contrast to the rest of your eggshell-white painted walls, is almost certainly not a spider who is determined to crawl on your face and eat you as soon as you close your eyes.
“It’s probably just a nail that used to hold up one of my posters,” you say out loud in an effort to scare away the nail. “Or maybe the paint is peeling and the original color of the wall happens to be black with eight legs.”
As the speck begins moving towards you, you make the rational decision to close your eyes and pretend it’s only a dream, despite the fact that you just pissed yourself and are now huddling under your blankets praying that the speck spares your life tonight.