Mike Pence Grounded For Two Weeks After Pretending To Smoke Pretzel Stick Like A Cigarette
May 7th - Sources say that Vice President Mike Pence has been grounded for two weeks after his wife Karen caught him lounging on the front porch with a pretzel stick in his mouth, pretending to smoke it like a cigarette.
Pence, who claims that the past several months have been very stressful for him, says that he just needed a minute by himself to “break it all down,” but Karen wasn’t having it.
“Mother (Pence’s wife) is pretty mad at me right now,” admitted the Vice President. “I just took one or two drags off that pretzel stick so I could try to bury all my worries away while also looking like the coolest kid on the block. She doesn’t see it that way though. According to her, pretzels are just a gateway drug that leads to the use of sugar sticks, followed by marijuana use and instant death.”
Karen feels that she let her husband off easy with the two-week grounding, saying that he was lucky she didn’t break out the rubber spatula.
“Michael knows better than to act out like this,” said Pence’s wife, who he (affectionately?) refers to as ‘Mother.’ “The last thing I need is for him to start becoming unhinged, and pretending to smoke pretzel sticks like cigarettes is a very dangerous path. He’ll have a couple of weeks in his room by himself to think about what he’s done.”