Man Who Hasn’t Been On A Date Since 2013 Thinks Valentine’s Day Is Stupid
Reno, NV - Sources say that Taylor Michaelson, a 33-year-old “entrepreneur” from Nevada, strongly beleves that Valentine’s Day is a stupid holiday that only dumb idiots would celebrate. As couples all over the world celebrate the holiday together, Mr. Michaelson says it’s just another day for him.
“Valentine’s Day? No, today is Wednesday,” said Michaelson. “I’ll be waking up at 11, eating whatever Mom makes for breakfast, and playing video games until lunchtime...just like everybody else does every other day of the year.”
The 33-year-old says that he is currently single, but because he chooses to be, not because of anything else.
“I last dated this girl about six years ago...we broke up after she stumbled upon my collection of harvested organs that I bought on the dark web,” said Michaelson. “After that, I decided I was going to focus on my career until I found a girl who was willing to accept me for who I am.”
Michaelson was recently fired from his job as a lifeguard at the YMCA after his supervisor found out that he didn’t know how to swim, but he quickly rebounded after stumbling upon an amazing business opportunity.
“All I had to do was wire this prince a thousand dollars, a copy of my birth certificate, and my social security number so that he could unfreeze his bank account, and then he said he would send me a million dollars as a reward,” said Michaelson. “So while all you stupid idiots are off wasting your money on gifts and chocolates I’ll be making a million dollars. What a dumb holiday for dumb people.”