Local Squirrel Under Investigation After Recent String Of Suspicious Road-Killings
April 21st - Sources say that a local squirrel is the main suspect in an investigation concerning a recent string of road-killings that have left dozens of small forest animals dead on the side of the road.
Billy the Squirrel, who has a long-running reputation as a bit of a nutcase, is the prime suspect in the investigation due to eyewitnesses who claimed they saw him push a fellow squirrel in front of a speeding vehicle last Monday before scampering off into the woods.
“I have full confidence in our investigation team. Make no mistake about it - we will find the squirrel responsible and the justice system will prevail,” said the chief of squirrel police. “Although I can’t say for certain, I have little doubt that we are hot on the tail of our culprit. I’d go so far as to say we have him by his nuts.”
While Billy couldn’t be reached for comment, his family and neighbors couldn’t believe that he would ever be responsible for such terrible crimes.
“Billy’s always been a sweetheart as long as I’ve known him,” said his mother. “He’s kind, generous, and he wouldn’t hurt a fly. There’s no way he’s guilty.”
UPDATE: Billy was guilty, and has been sentenced to life in prison.