Local Man Severely Heartbroken After His Favorite Porn Star Stops Doing Butt Stuff

Local Man Severely Heartbroken After His Favorite Porn Star Stops Doing Butt Stuff

May 11th - Reports indicate that a local man is currently experiencing severe heartbreak after his favorite porn star made the decision to stop doing “butt stuff” and focus exclusively on vaginal intercourse.

Jason, a 32-year-old marketing consultant from Clarksville, Tennessee, has been ignoring his friends and family for weeks while spending an alarming amount of time staring blankly out the window listening to Avril Lavigne’s discography on repeat.

“I never used to believe in soulmates. But then I came across Mysti’s channel, and my whole life was changed forever,” said Jason while sobbing into his pillow. “She had the perfect mix of romantic, traditional videos and weird hardcore material, and it’s just not easy to find a girl like that in today’s society. But then she had to go and stop doing butt stuff, and now my world is shattered.”

Those close to Jason say they are concerned about him, but they believe he’ll get back on his feet sooner than later.

“We’ve been here before. I remember the great WiFi crash of 2013 like it was yesterday,” said Jason’s father. “I never thought he’d recover from that, but just a few short months later he stopped talking to himself and started eating meals again. I know he’s hurting right now, but he’ll bounce back. He always bounces back.”
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