Lady Doctor Wins Award
April 27th - A woman from Sacramento, California made history today after becoming the first female to earn a salary that was equivalent to 90 percent of that of a male co-worker.
Dr. Patricia Gardner, a graduate of Harvard Medical School with 22 years of experience as a successful brain surgeon, was granted a raise that increases her annual earnings to 90 percent of the earnings of Craig, a graduate of Booker T. Washington High School with 18 years of experience as a custodian.
Craig graduated in the top 87 percent of his class in 1973, after being awarded the prestigious honor of ‘Most Likely to Urinate on the Side of a Denny’s.’ He then decided to take 40 to 50 years off in order to find himself. In 1999, he found himself in a used car dealership in Detroit, which inspired him to become a custodian at a small hospital in Kansas.
In 2014, after being fired from eleven consecutive small hospitals, Craig was on the verge of giving up on his dream. He has since admitted that he most likely would have failed in his quest had it not been for Jonathan Hawkins, a custodian from Sacramento who tragically died when he slipped on a wet floor that had not been marked with a wet floor sign.
The death of Hawkins angered the other custodians at the hospital, and they all resigned their positions in an act of protest. This created several job openings, and Craig was offered a lucrative position as senior vice custodian, due in large part to his friendship with a hospital security guard.
Despite his recent success, it hasn’t always been such smooth sailing for Craig. In January of 2013, he received a speeding ticket because he was driving too fast, just months after his favorite player got traded to a rival team. In May of 2014, his favorite bar closed down and he was forced to begin drinking at his second favorite bar. In the fall of 2016, he had a really bad case of food poisoning and couldn’t leave his bed for at least a week.
Though these hardships may have proved too much for some to handle, Craig refused to be shaken. Just three years after starting his new life in Sacramento, he is now unhappily married with two children and one hamster. Those close to him at the hospital say he appears to be “pretty happy” and “could shower more.”
In honor of his perseverance and leadership, Craig will be awarded the Presidential Medal of Honor on April 30th. He is widely considered to be the favorite to replace Steve Harvey as the host of Family Feud.