Gallon Of Milk Spills, Causes Massive Apartment Fire
March 27th - Tragedy struck Great Falls, Montana last night after an open gallon of milk spilled onto uncovered electrical equipment, sparking a massive apartment fire and sending 17 people to the hospital with fire bruises.
The tenants of Luckville Heights Apartment Complex were forced to evacuate, and they could do nothing but stand helplessly on the sidewalk and watch as everything they owned slowly turned to ash in front of their eyes. Despite the terrifying scene - “like something out of a horror movie,” according to one witness - everybody involved appeared to be strangely calm.
Pete Zahut, a long time resident of Great Falls who had lived at Luckville Heights for 9 years, offered an explanation for the lack of emotion among his neighbors.
“These people have been through their share of adversity. This is Montana, after all. If you want an easy life, go live in Flint, Michigan or spend some time on the south side of Chicago,” said Zahut. “Nothing bad ever happens there. It takes a special kind of toughness to be able to survive here in rural Montana. We don’t cry over petty problems like a spilled gallon of milk.”
Multiple victims expressed their disgust at the actions of one resident in particular: Dan Himmels, the owner of the spilled gallon of milk that had caused all the ruckus. Dan was seen sobbing on an empty stoop while contemplating all the pain and suffering he had caused, which made him appear quite soft in the eyes of his peers.
“So he spilled some milk, big freaking deal,” said a well-liked guy named Raymond. “My entire life is burning to the ground in front of me, and this idiot can’t even get over the fact that he has to spend a couple of bucks to replace the milk he lost. Seems like a selfish pansy to me.”
State officials said that first responders were unable to contain the fire, and it quickly spread to a nearby forest. The ensuing wildfires burned over three million acres of land in five different states and are believed to have caused an estimated 87 billion dollars in damages. Over 120,000 people have been forced to evacuate their homes and three different species of animals are now extinct. The gallon of milk has been sentenced to life in prison.