Fastest Third Grader In School Resents Sign In Neighborhood

Fastest Third Grader In School Resents Sign In Neighborhood

April 30th - Sources say that the fastest third grader at a local elementary school is none too pleased about a warning sign that was recently placed in his neighborhood.

The “Slow Children At Play” sign, which was placed in his neighborhood to warn cars to watch their speed while driving around children, is the cause of quite a bit of resentment for Jeffrey Higgins, who says he can outrun anyone and anything.

“Slow children at play? Yeah, speak for yourself,” said Jeffrey, who just ran to the end of his driveway and back super fast to show off his speed. “Maybe some of my friends need that sign...but not me. I’m faster than everyone. I’m probably even faster than cars. Anyone who doesn’t believe me is just jealous, and also a liar and a stupid butthole.”

The sign also caused quite a bit of anger among local drivers, who resent being told how fast they’re allowed to drive.

“Slow down? Yeah, speak for other people’s cars,” said Tom, who just crashed into someone’s mailbox with his 2011 Toyota Camry because he was driving 40 mph in a residential neighborhood. “My car is the fastest car there is. I’ll beat you in a race right now if you don’t believe me.” 
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