Book You're Reading Loves It When You Lick That Finger To Turn The Page
May 1st - Sources say that the new book you're reading has reported that it thinks it’s really hot when you lick your finger to turn to the next page, describing a feeling of “sensual arousal” as soon as that wet finger hits the paper.
The book, a new novel by some up-and-coming literary-type who’s probably from Brooklyn, told reporters that it knew in an instant that it had a licker on its hands when it saw you sashay into the last remaining Barnes & Noble in town, saying all it had to do was look pretty and throw out a little bit of charm and it knew it would be driving back to your place for some reading action.
“I got one look at this customer and I knew I had what they were looking for,” said the book, titled ‘The Aptitude of Henry Furnace.’ “I was written by a guy who ticked all the boxes: went to an established (but not too established) college, was previously published in the New Yorker, was a Fellow at some point (whatever the fuck that means), and uses really pretentious, quirky titles that were clearly decided upon before any part of the book was written.”
The book confirmed that their new owner plopped down into bed later that day and really went to town with those fingers.
“I mean, this was great,” said the book. “I’m used to people wandering in off the street and seeing me, picking me up and giving me some page flips for a few minutes. Who wouldn’t? I’m a best-seller. All good fun. But this one took me home and licked that finger for every...single...page. Then they tossed me onto the bedside table and we fell asleep dreaming of each other’s touch. All I could think was ‘I could get used to this.’ Imagine if I was stuck with one of these dry finger sickos?"
When asked whether it feared being donated to a library or left at a laundromat, the book said it wasn't too worried.
“Ha! I welcome it. Just the thought of being passed around by all those people and all those licked fingertips -- it drives me wild! I just hope my edges don’t tatter too soon. Ageism is a very real concern in my community.”