Vladimir Putin Claims Russian Military Has Access To Sharks With Laser Beams Attached To Their Heads
March 6th - Russian President Vladimir Putin announced that Russia has taken steps to bolster their military power in recent months, touting stronger defense systems, modernized nuclear weapons, and sharks with laser beams attached to their heads.
The announcement comes amidst rising international tension, due in large part to the nuclear showdown between the United States and North Korea. President Putin wants the world to know that Russia will not stand by while other world leaders improve their military capabilities, and he claims that these latest developments will make Russia the most feared world superpower that has ever existed.
“Our defense systems are practically impenetrable, and our nuclear weapons are more advanced than anything the world has ever seen,” said the Russian leader. “But what I’m most excited about is the sharks with laser beams on top of their heads. The last thing I want is conflict, but hopefully our enemies will think twice about attacking us knowing that we now have sharks stationed all around the world, ready to attack at a moment’s notice.”
While these developments have caused concern throughout the international community, Putin insists that he is willing to compromise.
“I don’t want to have to use the sharks,” said Putin. “And I’ll happily recall every single one of our sharks, as long as President Trump promises to pay Russia...one million dollars!”