Jeff Bezos Chooses Native American Reservation As Home For New Amazon Headquarters
March 5th - The new, highly coveted Amazon headquarters finally have a place to call home, as CEO Jeff Bezos has announced that he has decided on the Mescalero Reservation in south-central New Mexico as the winner of the “HQ2 sweepstakes.”
The Mescalero Reservation, established in 1873, is the home former home to Apache tribes in southern New Mexico and covers roughly 719 square miles of land. Bezos said he was pleased that the Native Americans were so willing to give up their land for his new headquarters.
“These are fine people, and I am honored to be taking over their entire reservation and replacing it with my headquarters,” said Bezos. “I expected this to be a much more challenging decision, but unlike New York, Austin, and San Francisco, with their insane property taxes and skyrocketing cost of living, I don’t have to worry about all the craziness. I stumbled upon this reservation when I took a wrong turn on the highway, and I knew I had to have it immediately. It’s perfect.”
Construction on Amazon’s new headquarters is expected to begin as soon as possible, although Bezos says that he wants to make sure the Native Americans that are being displaced have enough time to gather their belongings and start their lives over.
“I consider myself to be a family man,” said the world’s richest human. “And I won’t be lifting a hammer until these families have figured out what they’re going to do next and vacated the premises. Actually, I won’t be lifting a hammer at all, but neither will anyone else until all that family stuff happens...unless it takes them more than two weeks, at which point they’ll be legally trespassing and I’ll be forced to call the authorities.”