Prominent Actor Hoping That Oscars Win Will Make Everyone Forget That He’s A Sexual Predator
March 4th - Members of the “Hollywood Elite” will be gathering on Sunday night to celebrate how talented they are, and many prominent actors are hoping to use the awards ceremony to deflect attention away from the fact that they are disgusting, perverted human beings.
“I really just want people to focus on how talented I am in front of a camera,” said a prominent actor, who’s been accused of sexual harassment by twenty-five different women and seven men. “I know that I’ve made some mistakes, and probably ruined a bunch of people’s lives. But come on, I didn’t even use a stunt double for my last film. That has to count for something.”
Viewers are unsure as to whether the past transgressions of Oscar winners will be forgiven, but they do know that it would certainly help.
“All of these sexual harassment claims make me absolutely sick to my stomach,” said Andrew, a big ‘House of Cards’ fan who really hopes that Scarlett Johansson wears a revealing low-cut top tonight. “But I think I’d be able to look past it if Kevin Spacey wins a couple of awards tonight. It’s never ok to sexually assault anybody, but I’m willing to let it slide if you’re able to keep me successfully entertained for 45 minutes every week. Just this once though.”
The 90th annual Academy Awards will be hosted by liberal snowflake Jimmy Kimmel, who will no doubt use this platform to attempt to persuade people to “fix the healthcare system so that sick children don’t have to worry about dying,” or to “stop shooting other people,” or some other hippie bullshit.