God: I Have No Idea Where You Put Your Car Keys
February 8th - Fed up with decades of frustrated people requesting the location of their missing car keys, God has announced that he has absolutely no idea where you left your car keys and to please stop asking.
“I have nothing against the invention of cars,” said God. “I drive a 2014 Toyota Camry myself; excellent gas mileage, fantastic safety features, and Bluetooth capability. I love it. But after 100 years of people screaming at me to help them find their missing keys, I’m at my wit's end.”
God also stated that He was not a personal assistant and that it was not His fault everyone has such poor organizational skills.
“I have a lot on my plate right now. The Olympics are coming up, and I have to add everybody’s prayers up to figure out which athletes are going to win,” said God. “On that note, don’t forget the deadline for Olympic prayers is Friday at 4 PM Eastern Time. After 4 PM there’s nothing I can do. No exceptions.