Local Bar Trivia Team's Win Temporarily Gives Meaning To Otherwise Worthless Lives
February 25th - After scribbling "Afghanistan" onto a slip of paper and turning it in with fingers crossed, local trivia host Jack Quentin announced the winner of California Tap Room's Wednesday night trivia contest was Vandelay Industries, a team comprised of four men in their late twenties and early thirties that show courage in the face of severe and crippling depression every week when they arrive for trivia.
Members of the team include:
Shane - a manic depressive pet food supply chain management supervisor,
Chain - a Seaworld caricature artist,
Jason - a sales guru whose beard and skin tone commonly cause him to be selected for additional screening at security,
and Alex - an unsuccessful consultant who constantly seeks validation for his ever depleting level of self-worth.
The team manages to meet once a week to play trivia, which isn't impressive at all since a majority of them have no lives whatsoever. The team then somehow eeks out a win most weeks by combining their vast knowledge of sports, entertainment, science, geography and 1990s sitcoms. Each night that they lose, the tortured souls return home to their empty lives and search for a reason to live until their next game and subsequent victory.
Reports indicate that the team loses exclusively because of so-called "executive decisions" by self-proclaimed team captain Jason Fleming, whose confidence is trusted to the chagrin of his teammates begging any merciful God for a life-sustaining win.
Sources from bar attendees indicate unhealthy traits in the team as well. "I almost always have to cut off the squirrely one...he hasn't made eye contact with me once in the three years they've been playing here," said an anonymous, attractive waitress who didn't want Jason to know her name for safety reasons.
The team's most recent win has staved off their inevitable group suicide for another week, and their 2017 third place win in the San Diego Championship gave them the much-needed vigor to wake up the next morning and face their pathetic, worthless reflections in their respective bathroom mirrors.