White House Proposes Travel Ban On Bronze Medalists
February 20th - Sources say that the White House is seriously considering the idea of placing a travel ban on all American athletes that win bronze medals during the PyeongChang Olympics. The proposed ban would take effect immediately, preventing any U.S. athletes who don’t win gold or silver medals from returning home.
There has been a significant amount of outrage in response to the proposed ban, but White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders insists that this is a bipartisan bill.
“The President has already compromised more than he should have on immigration, and this bill is no exception,” said Sanders. “While the fake news media lavishes praise on these bronze medalists, true Americans know that winning a bronze medal really just means you lost. America is winning again, and we’re not about to start accepting losers in this country. If the President had his way, only the gold medalists would be allowed back.”
When asked directly about the ban, President Trump refuted any claims that it might be a bit too extreme.
“Look, everybody knows that we have a serious immigrant problem in this great country,” said Trump, while waving his arms wildly about. “But these bronze medalists - and even worse, athletes who didn’t medal at all - are pouring over our borders. They’re bringing drugs, they’re bringing healthy eating habits...and some, I assume, are good people.”