Man Who Hasn’t Been On A Date In Four Years Thinks Valentine’s Day Is Stupid
February 14th - Sources say that Tyler Connors, a 33-year-old entrepreneur from Topeka, Kansas, thinks that Valentine’s Day is a stupid holiday that only dumb idiots would celebrate. As couples all over the world celebrate the holiday together, Mr. Connors says it’s just another day for him.
“Valentine’s Day? No, today is Wednesday,” said Connors. “I’ll be waking up at 11, eating whatever Mom makes for breakfast, and playing video games until lunchtime...just like everybody else does every other day of the year.”
The 33-year-old says that he is currently single, but because he chooses to be, not because of anything else.
“I last dated this girl about four years ago...we broke up after she stumbled upon my collection of harvested organs that I bought on the dark web,” said Connors. “After that, I decided I was going to focus on my career until I found a girl who was willing to accept me for who I am.”
Connors was recently fired from his job as a lifeguard at the YMCA after his supervisor found out that he didn’t know how to swim, but he quickly rebounded after stumbling upon an amazing business opportunity.
“All I had to do was wire this prince a thousand dollars so that he could open his bank account, and then he said he would send me a million dollars as a reward,” said Connors. “So while all you stupid idiots are off wasting your money on gifts and chocolates I’ll be making a million dollars. What a dumb holiday for dumb people.”