Starbucks Offers Discount to Anyone Who Isn't a Nazi
August 30th, 2017 - For a limited time, Starbucks has announced that they will be offering a 10% discount on all beverages to anyone who is not a Nazi.
An unnamed spokesman for Starbucks claimed that the objective of the discount was to bring in more customers, as well as to discourage people from being Nazis.
“Here at Starbucks, we want to reward our customers for not being white supremacists. So to let them know how much they mean to us, for the next few months they'll only have to pay $4.16 for a coffee instead of $4.62.”
Questions remain about how Starbucks plans to determine who is and who is not a Nazi, but multiple rumors have surfaced about the coffee chain’s potential vetting process. According to an investigation conducted by reading responses from strangers on ‘Yahoo Answers,’ possibilities range from the ‘honor system:'
...to the ‘physical appearance’ test:
...to the [TSA inspired] 'Nazi Detector:'
Despite a hefty amount of criticism from people who doubt that Starbucks will be able to successfully implement this promotion, or that it will have any effect on reducing racism, CEO Kevin Johnson remained firm in his resolve.
“Like the majority of the fine people in this country, we have no tolerance for any of the -isms. We will take a stand against racism, sexism, anti-Semitism, athleticism, cannibalism, prism, communism, and anything else that ends with -ism,” said Johnson. “It’s almost pumpkin spice latte season, and if you’re a racist, anti-Semitic piece of shit, I’ve got bad news for you. You’re paying full price.”