Study Finds Unprecedented Increase In Social Anxiety Among Bears
February 13th - A recent study indicates a disturbing trend that shows an alarming increase in the number of bears that suffer from social anxiety. Over the last twenty years, the percentage of bears that have been diagnosed with some form of social anxiety has risen from 6% (in 1997) to 28% (as of January 2018), an absolutely staggering 467% increase. Researchers have yet to come to a definitive conclusion as to what has caused this “unprecedented” spike in mental health issues among bears, but recent interviews with some local bears have provided some potential clues.
"I used to love fishing for salmon in the stream and climbing trees with the other cubs, but lately I can't even force myself to join them in our weekly 'Stealing Food From the Picnic Basket' competition," said a bear. "All I want to do is hibernate."
"I'm a shell of my former self. My family hasn't spoken to me since I became addicted to honey, and to make matters worse, almost all of my friends are dead due to deforestation." - Winnie the Pooh
"Last Thursday I came across a human who appeared to be playing dead. Instead of viciously attacking the human like I usually would, I pretended not to know he was alive and continued on my way." - Grayson Allen, Duke Basketball
“I can’t deal with all of these forest fires anymore. There are just so many. I don’t know what’s going on, but no bear should have to handle this much responsibility by himself. I need a cigarette.” - Smokey the Bear
“Everywhere I look, I see pictures of other bears, and they have these thin, perfect bodies, and it just seems unattainable. Is it because they’re starving? Maybe, but sometimes I feel like I’ll just never be as good looking and fit as the other bears, and it just makes me feel like I’m worthless. Wocka Wocka.” - Fozzie Bear
“Do you have any idea how much soda these advertising companies have forced me to drink over the years? My body is absolutely destroyed, I feel sick on a daily basis. No one should be forced to live like this.” - Coca Cola bear
If you see a bear exhibiting signs of social anxiety or other mental illnesses, please reach out and offer help. Not literally, because they are wild animals and they will rip you to shreds, but send some positive vibes their way from a safe distance and you could make all the difference in the world.