Apple to Release Gluten Free iPhone

Apple to Release Gluten Free iPhone

November 18, 2017 - Just weeks after releasing the iPhone 8 and the iPhone X, Apple CEO Tim Cook has announced that Apple is putting the finishing touches on a “revolutionary” product that promises to be one of the greatest inventions the world has ever seen: a gluten-free iPhone.

According to Cook, the concept of the gluten-free iPhone has always been a top priority for Apple, but they have struggled to create a successful prototype due to budget constraints and lack of effort - until now.  The new design will retain most of the characteristics of the iPhone 8, including wireless charging capabilities, a beautiful retina HD display, a battery that lasts all day for the first two weeks of use and then dies after two and a half hours, and the amazing 12 MP camera quality. Unlike the iPhone 8, however, Apple’s newest smartphone will be entirely gluten-free - the first phone of any kind to hold that distinction.

There have been some questions as to why Apple released the iPhone 8, followed by the iPhone X (pronounced 10), while seemingly ignoring the number 9 altogether.

“It just seems irresponsible to me,” said Cathy, a stay-at-home travel agent and longtime consumer of Apple products. “What am I supposed to tell my children? ‘Sorry kids, I know you learned that 9 comes after 8 in school, but Apple has decided that order just doesn’t matter anymore!’ While we’re at it, let’s pick a random day in the fall where we just move time backward an hour for the heck of it! Those damn millennials have ruined everything.”

Much to the relief of Cathy, Apple has answered those questions with their latest announcement. The gluten-free iPhone will be marketed and sold as the iPhone 9, due to the fact that it contains only 9 calories.

 
 A leaked advertisement for the gluten-free iPhone 9

A leaked advertisement for the gluten-free iPhone 9

 

“While it may look like exactly like an iPhone 8 and function exactly like an iPhone 8, the iPhone 9 is in a class all by itself,” said Cook. “That’s why it costs $1300. Anyone who cares about their physical health and hasn’t already bought the iPhone X desperately needs to own this phone.”

The release of the gluten-free iPhone is a welcome sign of progress for many who have been forced to deal with years of unhealthy technology.

“My productivity at work has been sluggish for years now, and I didn’t know why,” said Tyler, a 31-year-old sales representative from Arkansas. “Now I know it was because of all the gluten in my phone. I’m so grateful to Apple for coming up with a solution. This could change my life.”

The gluten-free iPhone 9 is expected to be released on Black Friday and will be available exclusively at Whole Foods.

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