Founder/King: Todd Sachs


Born in the Alaskan Tundra in 1961, Todd quickly rose to fame as a world-renowned cartographer. After the death of his beloved pet caribou in 1974, he became determined to start his own website, to pay homage to all the caribou in the world that never got a chance to live out their dreams. He loves short walks on the beach, the smell of wet paper towels, and the music of Kendrick Lamar.

Follow Todd on Twitter: @toddsachs

Head Writer: Todd Sachs

After learning the ways of the force through the help of an elderly friend, Todd has spent the last decade traveling the galaxy in an attempt to destroy the Death Star. When he's not playing with his light saber, he can be found relaxing on a beach, enjoying a corona with lime.

Contributing Writer: Alexander Petit


Alexander Petit has been disappointing his parents since he was born in 1988, the year of the dragon in China, and the year of the “I told you we should have gotten an abortion” in Alex’s house. Growing up a chubby kid, he utilized his skills in comedy and his sharp wit to get beaten up a lot. Then he moved to Japan, drove an aircraft carrier for a minute in the Navy, started doing stand-up comedy and founded the always fair and balanced satire news site, Balanced and Fair News, which, unlike THE Salted Pretzel, is your home for Fake News! (Trademark Pending) He lives happily in sunny San Diego with his fish Betamax, his roommate and his crippling depression.

Contributing Writer: Joshua Scott Hotchkin


Joshua Scott Hotchkin is a writer, artist, musician and helpless captor to his creativity and imagination. It has been said that he takes not taking things too seriously, way too seriously. Or maybe it was the other way around? You can check out his work at The Dungherder and decide for yourself which direction his mistakes are made in.

Contributing Writer: Tyler Baldwin


Handcrafted in the quaint village of Toronto with a blend of fine artisanal cheeses and depression, Tyler has underwhelmed his loved ones for the past two and a half decades.

After being caught stealing from a local charity, Tyler was sentenced to a child labor camp where he worked tirelessly for months before finally escaping into the nearby mountains with a fellow inmate. This later proved to undo a multi-generational curse on his family, which lead to his eventual release back into society.

Wait, that's actually the plot of the movie "Holes." Tyler mostly just makes people on the internet laugh...sometimes.

Contributing Writer: Andre Batista

Andre Batista enjoys long walks on the beach and candlelit dinners. After a brief period as a 2003 candidate for the Presidency of Albania, Andre swore off sincerity forever and spent the remainder of his days writing tongue-in-cheek bios of himself. In 2015, Andre was approached by Nick Fury to form some kind of team, only it turned out to just be for canasta games on weekends. Retiring from Canasta, Andre decided to write comedy and 2 quarters of several screenplays. He currently lives in a vast series of tunnels underneath the CN Tower in Toronto, Canada.

Editor-in-Chief: Todd Sachs

Born in Southeast Texas in the fall of '83, Todd has been a cowboy for 28 years, and is the most feared outlaw west of the Mississippi. He has a strong affinity for granny smith apples.

Website Design: Todd Sachs


Perhaps best known for playing 'Batman' in every single installment of the film series, Todd is also a huge fan of mint chocolate chip ice cream and has been credited with saving the lives of over 450 baby squirrels.

Director of Social Media: Todd Sachs

The son of an eskimo and the daughter of a pack of wolves, Todd has been wandering the United States for the past 15 years searching for his one true love. He has not found it.